A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
