I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize