I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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