I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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