The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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