im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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