it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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