Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
