tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
