Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize