did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
