Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
