Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
