i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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