Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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