I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
