The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
