I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize