i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
