Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
