I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
