Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize