I have demons in me.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
