are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize