life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
