Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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