It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
