You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
