Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
