you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
