I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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