he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
