Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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