Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So squirting runs in the family.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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