As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
