Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
