You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i've created a new STD.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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