the condom got lost in my hair
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
