I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
