I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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