The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
