Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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