So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
