omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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