I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
