Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
