Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
