I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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