I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
