I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize