she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
His hands were made for my vagina.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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