You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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