wakey wakey hands off snakey
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Drunk is a universal language darling
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
