Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
