There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
