I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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