That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I just sharted jello shots
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
