You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize