New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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