if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You're a waste of cheezeits
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
