I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize