im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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