did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize