Need sex. Gaining weight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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