Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
