Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
