I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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