Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize